I think the photos above prove you wrong. I published those pictures without preamble, knowing that morbid fascination would transfix you so anything I wrote prior to the pictures would be lost.
In the spirit of full disclosure, the before picture was taken after I showered and put on moisturizer. The pictures when I just got up were worse than a drunk celebrity mug shot on TMZ, not that this one is much better. I used the camera on my HTC One phone and am completely unaccustomed to selfies. So, rest assured, there are no PhotoShop antics or airbrushing involved; this is me in the light of my bathroom.
The whole process took me 6:26.7 minutes. That includes looking for the right eye brow pencil and wiping “Midnight Blue” off my brow because it looks the same as “Charcoal Gray” in the dark. So let’s say 5 minutes, give or take a few seconds, if you don’t include scrounging around for the proper color or tool. You can add a minute to the five if you use a ridiculous high-maintenance lip color as I do, or 2 seconds if you wear a sensible nude or a lip balm.